Moving Forward – 5 Months After

Sunday, August 10 marks five months since Frank passed. I am moving forward which means I’ve come to understand Frank’s presence in my life in a new and different way. Some days are still painful and others are beautifully serene. My life has certainly changed.

First the good news. Frank’s little casita is finished.

Though not paid for, it is now ready for all the things that will make it a little home – refrigerator, pots and pans, beds and broom – and I am hopeful that the funds will come in to finish paying Oscar for all his wonderful work and make this a place for guests and short term renters. It has such a wonderful feel to it – and an incomparable view. I know that Frank would have loved living here and many of his favorite books will be in the big book case along with his world globe and manual coffee grinder.

The building site, just outside my gate. Frank looking over the early progress from his doorway. The finished casa with the gate separating it from my house.  This is now truly Casa de Corazon.

And the inside? Wonderful and just as Frank wanted – the view out over the city that he would see while cooking; the private bathroom through the closet and dressing area; the kitchen with plenty of counter space.  Here Anita and her sister, Sinia are cleaning, which Frank probably would not have wanted – but I do.

The not so good news is about the farm. A week ago we were elated to have buyers – they loved it and we loved them! We were in the midst of all the legal maneuverings and processes when just as suddenly as they appeared, they disappeared. Lessons were learned by all and now we are into a redoubling effort to sell, even more motivated.

Tomorrow marks 5 months since Frank passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly. And recentlyI am finding much peace in my writing that is now a memoir of Frank’s and my time together that will include my communications with Frank. How do we communicate? We found a way about a month ago. It happens some but certainly not every night. I am suddenly awakened and I look at the digital lighted clock across the room. I know it is Frank when it happens to display exactly on the hour or if the numbers are a pattern – like 12:34 or 1:11… Frank was a great Sudoku player and lover of numerical patterns and sequences. If the clock merely says 3:19 and I cannot discern a pattern, I turn over and go back to sleep. One night went like this. Awake 10:01. Hm. It wasn’t on the hour so I ignored it. Back asleep I was awakened at 11:02. When it happened again at 12:03 I smiled and got up. I do a kind of ‘automatic typing’ at my laptop and sit in the dark with my hands resting in place on the keyboard. And I wait. Though it still feels strange and my critical left brain says it is ridiculous, there have been some wonderful messages that have come through, some even prescient.

Frank’s words in the night last Wednesday were,

The path is often rocky, not smooth. It means you have to step carefully, mindfully and sometimes slowly. It doesn’t mean stop. From here I see it all and it is unfolding as it must. Take some time to rest and wait and soon you will see the sunshine and open path ahead.

 I wondered about it but didn’t think too much. It was philosophical, as was Frank. After all, I was busy getting everything ready for the farm sale. A day later the would be buyers backed out. I got it.

I trust that all is well with all of you and that Life’s hurdles and dips and lessons are endurable with the help of friends, loved ones and of course our animal families. As I read recently in a new favorite book, Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss and published in the 80’s, life is often painful and those painful times are necessary for our soul growth. It is why we are here. Some times are so difficult but there are moments of peace even in the midst of it.

I continue to be surprised by mine.

And I highly recommend Dr. Weiss’ book.